


Where the Shoreline Ends

by rufucake



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Gore, Butterfly Effect, Canon Timeline, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Chaos Theory, Deja Vu, Dreams vs. Reality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Movie: Evangelion 3.0: You Can (Not) Redo, Non-Linear Narrative, Piano, Post-Evangelion 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rating May Change, Rebuild of Evangelion Sequel/Time Loop Theory, Romantic Fluff, Slow Romance, Time Loop, Time Skips, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Timeline Shenanigans, oh yeah and shinji screaming.mp3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-10-18 23:14:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20647283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufucake/pseuds/rufucake
Summary: Here are just the important fragments of Kaworu Nagisa's repeating life.The forgotten memories of a boy he held too dear, and the world that was ruthlessly torn apart every single time. The stories of people who tried again. The truth is, everyone tried again. If only they had a choice in the matter. Through the same unfathomable infinity, they were chosen, damned by fate. Again and again and again and again. Maybe it's easier not knowing such a terrible thing. Or would it be harder?That fragile boy is the proof, and his shaking shoulders, the answer: he must instill hope inside him.





	1. Prologue - Fourteen Years Later

**Author's Note:**

> First Evangelion fic! Thought to start with something KawoShin and time loop centric. The prologue is taken from something I wrote a while back from RPing (based on an early scene from 3.0) and generally brushed up a lot to fit this fic more. The rest of these chapters will focus on mainly the Rebuild continuity (e.g. during 3.0, memories and events in between that and 2.0) with an occasional non-linear narrative (i.e. some chapters out of order). Also eventual introspection scenes and slow burn romance!

Seasons finally returned to the world. This world, where humanity still resides. The same place known as the Earth—

That Earth is in ruins, dyed in an even deeper red and white than before, blanketed in blistering cold. And the hearts of people everywhere are the same. There’s no time to worry about a single person’s life anymore, not in this world.

But unfortunately, Shinji Ikari is not dead.

Yet he sleeps, like the ruins of his home. He's blissfully unaware of many things, they're certain. Such as the complete destruction of Tokyo-3— sometimes, a name that goes unspoken for years.

But not his.

The Near Third Impact. Almost everything was lost. Some call it everything anyway. Time does not heal all wounds, their memories do not fade. Even the moon has changed. Even now, its surface seems to cry out, battered, scarred in that same red and white, too close to earth, too close to destruction. Both are only a shell of their former selves. Yet that boy is not the same way (he's not changed so terribly).

... Then what else is the same?

The familiar faces that boy knew. That feeling still exists— but only in appearance (like the girl he tried to save from so long ago. Irony, irony, irony). Some of them still live their daily lives together. They still survive.

The captain, filled with regret for encouraging him so many years ago, filled with memories of being his guardian, can forget neither of those things. A fellow pilot and an old friend, cursed, her fists hold back anger and sorrow. A father, who’s eyes are still hidden, who still fights at any costs— **for his goals and his goals only.**

Now they're all the same way. Today, it’s time. They’ll make the preparations to retrieve him.

* * *

A cold night sky.

Somewhere, someone stands alone. A boy in a summer uniform, white shirt neatly tucked in dark pants, hands relaxed inside his pockets. The cold breeze always against his pale arms and hair. He's still looking skyward. 

Suddenly, a shooting star. It falls deeper into the atmosphere against the darkness and countless other lights.  


Slowly, silently, like an illusion, it returns— he returns.

Kaworu Nagisa has seen it before. A beautiful sight. Yet nobody else will wish upon that star. Though it'll be burdened all the same. That boy inside it, he'll wake up soon, the first time in fourteen years— a time just as old as he. He'll wander and see all those familiar faces, but he'll still be afraid. Uncertain. Lost. Angry. Fragile. To suddenly exist in this cruel world with uncertainty at every corner, like a newborn— how painful it can be.

Trials for a human heart truly seem endless. Alone, they cannot endure.

_Right, they shouldn't endure alone._

The breeze against his skin feels less cold. He smiles a serene smile, and he knows—  
There is no such thing as an unforgivable sin. His gaze to the sky remains unwavering, red eyes still gentle in a sea of darkness. Endless, silent, full of longing. An emotion once alien, like his very essence. That suits him just fine.

For tonight's shooting star, he'll wish upon him happiness.  
And that always starts with a warm greeting.

... Quietly familiar words, only to himself.

“Welcome home, Shinji Ikari. I’ve been waiting for you.”

And still he will redo.


	2. Quatre Mains

The song fills what’s left of the room— the open ceiling, the missing walls, the cold wind contrasted against harsh reds— and they don’t feel a thing. Their fingers fly across the keys: a melody weaved from four hands, mere days in practicing— the two players are masters in perfect harmony. The notes echo even further from this place, through the dark and old hallways beyond. They’re dancing, muffled outside empty rooms.

In one room, a Walkman lies on the bed, earphones tangled in pure white sheets. A harsh ceiling light, blinding white walls, and the floor dyed in deep red. This same scene, every day where he wakes up— Shinji Ikari hasn’t thought much about those kind of things today. Right now, he doesn’t even feel the weight around his neck. The weight of his sins. _Liars, liars._

The keys of the grand piano are carrying it far and away… somewhere he can’t reach.

He feels each bouncing note, the staccato with a speed of a horse’s full trot. Two of them, side by side. The tempo, beginning loud and dynamic— then falling slow, slower, graceful, like another day’s end, like stars revealing themselves in a darkening sky. Another gradual crescendo, like crashing waves.

Eyes closed, he can see it.

The quiet shore of a lake. It’s somewhat melancholic there: a harsh sunset he’s watching, uncertain, alone, but then he hears something, it’s warm— That warm voice breaks through his thoughts, but the song continues.

“Music truly is meant to be a part of one’s soul— We sound great together!”

He lifts his head to see an inspired smile, those bright red eyes, glimmering at his own with excitement.

Shinji blinks, and the chance to respond with words escape him— their playing hands briefly touch in a swift, fleeting moment of surprise, like the skip of a heartbeat: just as the score dictates. And so the song continues, until the ending—

* * *

  
— Every single time.

Standing across from him, Kaworu kindly smiles, hands relaxed in his pockets. Shadows of an early sunset mixes with pastel glows, casting a soft light against his face.

“Of course. You’re certainly improving, without fail.”

Arms just at his side, Shinji blinks. The smile in his blue eyes happen first with a slight widening, “Really? I’m glad you think so… I couldn’t really tell.”

“You should give yourself some more credit. You’re an extremely quick learner.”

“O-Oh, I wouldn’t really say that…” Shinji fixates on ground for a moment. There’s a just beat of silence before he looks at him again— a bashful smile, sincerity in his eyes. “It’s all thanks to you. I mean… without you teaching me so much, there’s no way I could’ve managed.”

Meanwhile, a gentle gaze hasn’t wavered, “The pleasure is all mine. It takes both of us working together to play, after all. To me, those pieces are the most enjoyable.”

“Yeah…. me too.” Shinji gives a nod.

A lull of silence, broken by a gentle breeze— and silently, small flowers sway in the cracked ground. Though it’s still cold. Summer is long gone. Looking at himself and Kaworu, you wouldn’t guess that. It’s strange attire for them both, just to be in summer uniforms. Though it… hasn’t really feel out of place to Shinji, for some reason. Maybe that’s the actual odd part. Why?

A familiar thing. They’re far and few between these days— Kaworu’s voice breaks through the thoughts again.

“Well… it’s getting a bit late, isn’t it? Would you like to continue tomorrow morning as well?”

“Yeah! If that’s okay with you.”

His smile is gentler yet. “Of course it is. See you tomorrow.”  
  


* * *

  
The room is dark. With the back of his hand over an eye, Shinji stares at the ceiling in bed. The lyrics in his ears are muffled, tangling together— singing nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Like usual, he can’t tell when he’d stopped paying attention. _What time is it, anyway…?_ The best he can feel is expressionless whenever he’s in here. At least, when he’s conscious. So that would make sleep the actual best option.

… Of course, he’s wide awake.

Track 28. The SDAT player rewinds. Ah, a new one… he didn’t listen to this track before at home. _Home… Fourteen years….._ Has it really been so long? In a blink of an eye, that crazy amount of time passed? And everything— everyone he knew…

Just…… why?

He wishes he can stop asking himself that. But sleep— sleep eludes him. And it’s not like this entire situation turns into a dream when he sleeps. He just wakes up the next morning.

Though he always wishes otherwise. But, he’d still like to play piano with Kaworu. Would both be possible, to have both of those wishes…? It’d be nice, in some world. And at least Rei is here. Not with Misato, and she’s forgotten a lot of things, but… seeing her gives him some kind of explanation, at least. Some kind of familiarity.

_She did smile before. But after all, Rei's always been sort of cold and stoic, hasn’t she?_

So it's okay if she's doing that again these days.

But… he also saw **Misato’s** face with an expression like that— when she’d looked at him the first time since he woke up (wrong, worse. it was more like when she finally could _bring herself_ to look at you) maybe that’s why it hurts so much.

The owner of a thousand and more (empty) beer cans. A wreck when it comes to chores or anything related to housework. Inappropriately dressed and teasing. Cheerful, loud, or upset in your gloomy face. Embarrassing, but your friends would ignorantly like her anyway. And… cold and business-like when it counts. He should be no stranger to her sternness, her discipline. That sentiment and her words— they echo inside his heart. 

A rainy day.

_‘Why did you disobey my orders?’_

Because, he knows he mustn’t run away (even then, he did afterwards). When he returned— when she asked him about everything, he felt like he didn’t have a choice but to pilot it.

_‘And what about you? What do **you** want?’_

He’s not cut out for this, it’s not so hard for anybody to see. But everyone will need him (they have to). So he will… he’ll do it.

_‘This isn’t about any of us! This is **your** choice. You decide for **yourself** whether you’ll pilot the EVA. If you don’t like it, then leave. You’re free to go anytime you’d like.’_

It hurt… but it’s wasn’t like she was wrong. A choice? He didn’t leave a second time. But she’d also help him face things head on when it was just the two of them again.

One evening before the battle, her voice was quiet.

_‘This is Lilith. Should an Angel ever reach her…. this place is set to self-destruct. Everyone at NERV— everyone in this organization is prepared to pay that price. I want you to understand that you’re not the only one risking your life here.'_

_(You are not alone)._

But still… the fate of the entire world resting on his shoulders, do or die— just a boy like him? He’s no one special. Forget heroic. He just exists. _So— Isn’t it too much to ask? Why me…?_ He couldn’t meet her gaze in that dark red room, but he felt her smiling at him. Her nonchalant words followed, but full of empathy.

_‘There’s no reason. Fate chose you, that’s all.’_

Her hand was warm over his. She kept holding it tight. So he could try again because of her. And he kept trying after that. On the last normal day he remembers, she encouraged him again, screaming to the sky, unsure whether he could even hear—

_‘Do it for yourself! Not for anyone else! Do it because this is what **you** want!'_

He did. Those were the last words he ever heard from her.

He’d felt a surge of strength at that moment, and then he’d find the girl he thought they’d lost. Synchronized to no return, inside that black void that might as well be hell, but he didn’t care. She took his bloodied hand, red all over. And then he pulled her out. They were inside waves of blue, like her hair, an ocean of warm light. She was safe in his arms, finally,_ finally—_ someone warm with so much hidden feeling. Someone like that... He knew she couldn’t be replaced.

But it seems like the entire world was lost on that same day in exchange. He can’t call that a lie. But that… _has nothing to do with me._ How could anyone have seen it coming?

It’s been fourteen years. Again, he remembers.

** _‘I want Rei… GIVE HER BACK!!' _ **

His own voice returns and so does everything else. His teeth are grit, and then like a howl, with the red in his eyes, he screams again_—_

**‘I’ll save her even if it’s the last thing I do!’**

It happened. He really did save her. He tries to imagine Misato’s expression then, as earnest and frantic as her voice. Instead of the song lyrics, her words plays again. Loud, clear, like the realization in his mind. Do it, not because he has no choice. Not because he can’t figure out where he belongs, if he’ll ever belong. Not because he’s an EVA pilot. Not because of dad. Not because of humanity. Not even to _save_ humanity. She wanted him to save **her,** _just because he truly wanted to. _

Why? That’s because she cared_— _

_— About me._

The song in his ears ends with a heavy click. The end of his track list. So he rewinds, but not fast enough. Silence immediately fills the space, this room, and it overflows into his chest. It's too late, and then the pain, sudden, frantic, earnest, empty—

_Misato… Misato, Misato, Misato, Misato—_

It hurts. Because he can’t go back to the place he was before.

.... Another song’s instrumental break plays. Soft piano notes. Piano... that’s right, he should go and meet him tomorrow. Shinji shifts on his side, swollen eyes finally closing.

* * *

  
Another fair day. Gentle white clouds move across the sky, pushed on by a cold wind. In the ceiling less room, the piano waits. There’s footsteps nearby, calm on the gravel— Shinji lifts his head as he sits on the ground, arms wrapped around his knees.

With a smile, Kaworu strides over to him, hands in pockets, a hint of surprise in his voice.

“You’re here bright and early.”

The corner of Shinji’s lips tug upwards. “Yeah… I just don’t have anything else to do.”

“In that case, I’d hate to keep you waiting any longer.”

.... With a bombastic start, the song begins again, the same notes as yesterday they’ll never tire of. And there’s so much he can still learn. Sitting next to him, Shinji plays, scanning the keys, trying to better commit this part to memory. Eyes closed, his duet partner smiles, pale fingers bouncing with ease, travelling elegantly across white and black keys.

From the corner of his eye, Shinji takes note— again. Kaworu is amazing. Somehow, he must have sensed.

“You’re getting the rhythm! You’ll remember all of the details soon.”

_Rhythm, rhythm…_ The boy silently acknowledges, continuing on, matching his speed. Shoulders relaxed, the tune blends, an invisible harmony.

Kaworu smiles, tilting his head in joy— “That’s the way!”

They continue to the end, a full conversation through their hands.

* * *

  
The sun is setting again, painting deep red walls in pink. It’s a welcome sight, Shinji sometimes thinks, but— also a reminder. Another day coming to an end. So soon. How many days have ended with this scene already? They stand across from each other in the same place as yesterday, saying nothing for the time being. Kaworu’s eyes and smile are patient, as if he doesn’t mind. There’s always been something about red eyes in general. He should feel a bit more wary about them, shouldn’t he?

But it’s never quite been like that before.

“Um, I…” After another moment too long of staring at him, Shinji ducks his gaze slightly. “Thanks for today again. I’ve been having a lot of fun.”

Again, he feels a smile kinder yet. "I’m glad to hear that. Me too. It’s great that we can play together.”

The boy lifts his head. A sudden thought. “Were you just playing by yourself before that?”

Though he already remembers. The first day Shinji came back to this place— the sound of a piano. Looking down through the hole in the ground, he saw him: a boy around his age, looking as serene as the song he was playing. He opened his eyes, and their gazes met— confused, Shinji went on his way. A piano in the middle of nowhere, a boy in the same school uniform as him. It was an odd thing. But it feels normal now— something beyond that, even.

Comforting. It just makes the rest of the world feel… odder, and—

Kaworu’s response doesn’t let him think too deeply about it. And he doesn’t seem surprised at the question.

“Alone? Yes, I was. Even before you came here.”

Shinji blinks. “Oh… I see.” A pause before he smiles. “I thought so. No wonder you’re so skilled.”

“You’re too kind.” A small chuckle.

“It’s true!”

Another quiet pause. He can feel the day ending again. He should say something so it lasts a bit longer. If only he could do anything to—

Kaworu stares at the open sky. “It’s getting late again, isn’t it?”

“Huh? Oh. Yeah, it is…”

Before Shinji’s heart can sink any further, Kaworu smiles at him.

“Why don’t we go on a walk and explore a little? There’ll be a lot we can chat about in the meantime, if you’d like.”

Shinji smiles immediately. Exploring. His curiosity made it inevitable that he would. It’s something he’s done before (but not alone again, not if he can’t help it). And seeing everything abandoned, the ruins left him feeling alone too— But this is would be totally different, and he knows it.

“Sure! I’d love to do that—“ Suddenly, he remembers. He has to do something for her still. “Oh! could we stop by the library at some point? I, um… I have some books in mind that I’ve been meaning to take back with me.”

“Of course. The library… what a coincidence— I was thinking the same.”

“Huh…? Really?”

Kaworu’s gentle expression doesn’t change—

“Yes. I have something to show you there.”


End file.
